I find myself creating this blog more than a year after I first had the idea to do so. After my first miscarriage in 2012, I desperately needed an outlet where I could release my emotions, And there were so many: anger, sadness, despair, guilt, shame, rage...the list goes on and on. For some reason, I couldn't bring myself to start something public. Part of me wasn't ready to share such a personal experience; instead, I poured my emotions into my private journal. And the other reason was that I figured that I had only had one miscarriage - does that really warrant creating an entire blog? After all, how much can I really write about?
Now, just over a year later, and having recently gone through my third consecutive miscarriage, I feel as though I definitely have "enough to write about." Awesome - I can finally put that writing degree into action.
During my search for answers to the many questions that come with having a miscarriage, I found a number of helpful blogs written by women who had gone through the same thing as me. I hope that by starting this blog, I am returning the favour in some way. I hope that this blog will serve as an outlet for my own healing, a place to share my struggles and my journey to become a mother, and a resource for others who are going through the same thing.
There are a number of things that I have learned through the process of failed baby making. The biggest lesson (and the most distressing for an avid planner/list maker/Type A personality like myself) is that with pregnancy, you are not in control. You relinquish control of your body for nine months, cross your fingers, and hope for the best. Most of the time, things go according to plan. Your body does what it is supposed to do and you end up with a beautiful baby at the end of it. But sometimes, for one reason or another, it just doesn't work out.
I have been pregnant three times in the last 14 months. My first pregnancy was a molar pregnancy. A partial molar pregnancy, to be exact. Never heard of it? Yeah, I hadn't either until I had one. The second pregnancy was an ectopic. I lost my baby and my left fallopian tube. This was followed by my third pregnancy - another ectopic. Each miscarriage was very different. Even my two ectopic pregnancies were almost polar opposites of each other, but all three have left me shattered.
I have been down this road three times now, and I wish I could say that it gets easier the more times you suffer a loss, but it doesn't. There's a process and a routine that I have come to know well. You grieve, you cry, you scream and throw things. And then you pick up the pieces and move on. Because you have to. Because there is no other choice. And because at the end of the day, there is no other way but forward.